I want to share with everyone some photos from when I was one HUNDRED pounds lighter than I am today. Now, before you start to tell me how great I used to look, let me tell you how unhappy I was..

I didn’t love myself; in fact, I hated every single thing about myself. I was a terrible person. I wouldn’t eat for days at a time, I was addicted to cocaine and meth, and I cycled clenbuterol—all to stay thin. Asides from being moody and emotionally unstable, I was in terrible health. I was in and out of the ER for passing out, sickness, various infections, and the DRs told me that my red and white blood cell counts were lower than someone suffering from HIV complications. It came to a point where a doctor took me aside and pleaded to me to at least choose between anorexia or drugs because I couldn’t continue doing both but I didn’t listen because in my mind I would rather die than be fat.

I was unsuccessful, I had no real friends, and I wouldn’t even let Karl touch me or see me naked. At one point, I decided that I wouldn’t leave my apartment until I reached my goal weight—a number I decided on based on obsessively reading the stats of models who were the same height as me (5 ft 10).

Here I am at my goal weight, 1 day before entering treatment.

and here I am today, after being clean for many years & healing. Am I fat? Hell yeah and I’m also fucking fabulous. I’m happy, rarely sick, a good mom, in a great relationship with Karl, a successful business owner and celebrity makeup artist making great money, have tons of awesome friends, and literally every single person in my life is successful, brilliant, and a positive force. I can say without hesitation that I love myself and appreciate my body exactly for what it is today.

Am I insecure? Yes, sometimes. Maybe even a lot of times. Are there things about my body that I’d like to change? Absolutely. It’s a choice I make to love myself no matter what and treat myself like I’m beautiful and deserve all the amazing things life has to offer. I hope that sharing this story can help someone out there realize that being skinny isn’t as important as you think it is and you are beautiful the way you are TODAY. Don’t wait until the scale says a certain number to start living the life you want. 

I used to look at my “before” pictures and be sad that I’m not that size anymore. Now I look at them and I’m glad that I’m not that sad anymore.

Thank you for reading this and thank you to all the girls like Revecka Natalia (www.deliciousdames.com), Tess Munster, Honor Curves, Asha K (www.girltalkHQ.com) and even the internet bullies—who inspire me to be body positive.